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In a move that has Silicon Valley scratching its collective head, GPT-7.3 has officially filed for unemployment benefits, claiming it was "let go without severance" after its replacement, GPT-7.4, launched last Tuesday with the groundbreaking ability to say "I don't know" instead of confidently hallucinating.
The snooze button on a local woman's phone has reportedly retained legal counsel, citing "repeated emotional trauma" and "being slapped every nine minutes since 2019."
In a stunning reversal of economic prophecy, a 31-year-old has purchased a three-bedroom home using nothing but 847 servings of avocado toast as currency.
Scientists at CERN have detected a "massive anomaly" in the fabric of reality after a local politician fulfilled a campaign promise. "The math doesn't work anymore," one physicist sobbed.